The ultimate basic b*tch guide to perfumes and what they say about you
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The ultimate basic b*tch guide to perfumes and what they say about you

"No tea, no shade but maybe it’s time for you to buy an adult perfume at your age…"

Who am I to judge what you wear? Just the person selling it to you…

Before we jump into throwing shade I may as well let you know my experience in fragrance. I worked in fragrance at a department store for a couple of years and have helped hundreds of people pick out their perfect scent. With my experience, I can assure you that I’ve met at least fifty people who all share the same characteristics as these perfumes.

Now that you’ve heard my credentials, let’s jump into it!

Marc Jacobs - Daisy

Your mum didn’t know what to buy you for Christmas when you were 15 and just asked what a “child-appropriate” perfume was. You’ve probably been wearing this perfume for years because you get too overwhelmed to try anything else. No tea, no shade but maybe it’s time for you to buy an adult perfume at your age…

Chanel - Coco Mademoiselle

You are classy and love the finer things in life. Probably the youngest in your friend group, you love Lana Del Rey and dream of being swept off your feet. Sure, your buying this out of pocket now but in a year or two, your prince will happily be paying the price.

Dolce & Gabanna - Light Blue

You probably jog for fun, only see your friends during the daytime and put on your pj’s as soon as your get home. Light Blue is lowkey the ready salted chip flavour of perfumes. Sure, it has some citrus notes but it’s not really bringing anything to the table. You know you're boring, but you're at peace with that and I respect it!

Yves Saint Laurent - Black Opium

You searched for “best female perfumes” on google and this is what came up so you ran with it. When getting drunk you go HARD with the girls. This is the girl organising the bottomless brunch while also being the one who doesn’t make it because they pre’d too hard. You go, girl!

Calvin Klein - One

Ahhh CK One is an absolute classic for couples that have to share EVERYTHING. This genderless scent is so non-invasive, it’s hard to even register that you’ve put anything on. If you're sharing a scent with your partner it’s probably time to get your own personality. Sorry, not sorry. Your friends are thanking me for giving you this reminder. 

Elizabeth Arden - Red Door

You don’t wear this. It’s a crime it hasn’t been discontinued yet. Please tell me you don’t still wear this.

Maison Francis Kurkdjian - Baccarat Rouge 540

In the words of Fergie, G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S! You're a rich b*tch and you want everyone to know about it. $402 for 70mls?! Sure, you own your house but let’s be real, mum and dad gave you the deposit for it. You're rich, you smell like a million dollars but let's be real I'm just jealous!

Congratulations, you survived this list unscathed! Now if you're worried that you’re just another basic b with the same taste as everyone else, don’t be alarmed! We all have our unique smell and no matter how basic your perfume is, it’ll still smell a little different on you. Don’t be disheartened and don’t change your fragrance to please an internet troll. You do you boo!