Warning: This article contains spoilers for the first episode of Heartbreak Island season 3
Everyone looking to fill the void left by the end of a certain season of a certain dating reality show can breathe a sigh of relief - the similarly named but much more Kiwi 'Heartbreak Island' is here.
Our mate Clinton Randell hosts the show in Fiji, where 16 sexy singles compete for $100,000. Oh yeah, and maybe they might find love - or at least get their mac on.
The first two eps are now out on ThreeNow for your viewing pleasure, and they're all about us meeting the contestants and the contestants meeting each other.
The girls and guys choose their top picks based on a dating-app style profile before they ever set eyes on each other IRL. Then, the people who were most popular with the other contestants get to make their match first, and so on, until the least popular pairing has no choice but to be lumped together. Brutal
This complicated process means very few of the initial couples are actually into each other, which makes for some absolutely savage first impressions. Of course, the contestants tell us how they really feel in the confessionals, which is how all good reality TV is made.
One of the spiciest reactions comes from UK footy player Max, who is gutted to be left to choose between Amber and Alexandra. I must confess that I found Max quite hot right off the bat, but it turns out he's fairly toxic, which explains my attraction to him.
"I didn't really want either of them, I was just thinking f*ck I wish I had someone else," he said about the two gals, who both chose him as their top pick, and are both stunning, BTW.
"Being matched with Alexandra, the first thing that went through my mind was disappointment," Max added. "But in saying that she did look better than her profile."
Later on, shit gets truly hectic between the two after Max kisses Casey when asked to plant a peck on the gal he's most attracted to. Alex is then asked who she would send home right now if she could, to which the answer is of course, Max.
"I thought it would be obvious, there's no chemistry, no banter flowing," Max said.
Alex, obviously hurt by Max's actions, immediately goes and tells one of the other gals, Tiarne, that Max has been talking shit about her. It all gets very 'he said, she said' and frankly I kind of got lost in all the drama until Max and Alex faced off again.
"I certainly won't be sleeping anywhere near you tonight," Max tells his partner.
"You're a snake, they'll see that eventually," Alex replies."I wasn't joking when I said I hope you fly home first, you deserve to, you piece of shit."
YIKES.
There's trouble in paradise for some of the other couples too. Mez reveals he thinks Casey "is probably going to put poison in his tea or suffocate him in his sleep", while Casey admits "there's anything but love in this connection".
"I'm scared," says Mez.
Meanwhile, Maiata is super unimpressed that she and Keiran lost the first challenge, which was an obstacle course that gave huge 'chartered accounts go on a team building day' energy.
"I felt disappointed and embarrassed. Just thinking to myself: Why am I paired up with Keiran? He's just a loser and he gives up really easily," she said.
Amber and Jake, unsuccessfully attempting to lie in a hammock together through no choice of their own, don't seem to be faring much better.
"I don't know how I feel about being with a guy who's just a bit of a dick," Amber says. We've all been there, girl.
I would say I hope things settle down between the couples and they all start living their best tropical honeymoon lives next episode, but that wouldn't make for very good viewing now, would it?
Heartbreak Island episodes drop every Thursday on ThreeNow.
