'Married at First Sight Australia' 2024 kicked off last night and WHOAH Tim Calwell's best man Ben had us all gritting our teeth at the absolute cringefest.
If you missed the truly dreadful speech last night, I can assure you that it went down like a cup of cold sick.
WARNING: If you're currently around any ears you wouldn't want to hear any sort of filth, head to another room because this one is NSFW.
Fans of the show were gobsmacked with many calling it "the worst best man speech" to ever appear on the show.
Others were curious to know how the writing process went.
But just when you thought it couldn't get any more cooked, it gets so much worse. So Dramatic! has released Ben’s full uncut script and sheesh it’ll leave you speechless.
Here is the full uncut version of the most God-awful best man speech in MAFS history:
“I caught up with Tim’s aunt earlier, and she told me that I wasn’t to mention any of the incidents related to his ex-girlfriend… [pause and put half my cue cards on the table].
“I wasn’t surprised when I heard Tim was partaking in this experiment. Because Tim is a man of science. He happens to be very fond of experimentation, so please let me share some of them with you… keep in mind these are NOT peer-reviewed.
“Experiment 381. Title: three chickens, four days, 30 degrees and zero consequences. This experiment took place several years ago at a four-day music festival in the middle of summer.
“Instead of buying stale food there, Tim decided to pack his own lunch! Which consisted of three whole roast chickens stored in the same Tupperware container usually reserved for cereal.
“Did Tim keep the chicken on ice? No, that is where his drinks were stored. Instead, he kept it at the back of his tent to soak up the summer sun.
“Kept warm at all times in case he ever felt like a quick nibble of chicken. And he did, on many occasions. Even on the very last day, we sat in awe as he devoured this final, four-day-old chicken.
“Mere mortals may fall ill, but not Tim. In fact, he appeared supercharged by the rancid chicken and went on to enjoy another late night of live music.
“He wasn’t doing the chicken dance, but there was no doubt this was the chicken dance.
“Many experiments have taken place since then. Some highlights were: 426 – Love Potions vs. Protein Shakes: Are big muscles hot?
- 551 – Romance at High Speed: Is road head safe?
- 552 – Is it OK to get head in the ER, since you didn’t c*m earlier ‘coz you crashed your car and you’re here now anyway? Might as well call it a medical emergency.
- 606 – Fondue or Fond-Don’t: Which types of cheese result in the most second dates?
- 759 – Love at First Sight Through Beer Goggles: A study on optics.
- 799 – Cupid’s Arrow vs. Tim’s Law: Investigating Romantic Duality.
“And so here we are… Experiment 865, I mean [Sara]. You can find solace in the fact that, rancid or not, Tim will still eat you.
“Tim is a wonderful human being. He radiates charisma like the sun and lifts the energy of any building he steps inside of.
“Now, I want you to look into each other’s eyes, [Sara], don’t get lost in Tim’s just yet. I’m going to count down from three, then at the same time, keep eye contact, [and] name Tim’s favourite meal.
“Guests, feel free to join in… 3…2…1… CHICKEN.
“Okay, you guys are gonna do great. I hope your marriage remains hot, steamy and bursting with flavour, just like Tim’s tent chicken.
“So, ladies and gentlemen, please raise your glasses as we toast to Tim and [Sara]. To a future that’s bright, a past well spent and to Tim and his bride: we love you, we hardly know you, and we can’t wait to see where your journey takes you.”
And while we can’t erase that absolute shocker from our memories, we can all be grateful we weren’t the ones holding the mic… I don’t know if the rest of the weddings left to watch this week will top that one!
