By now you’ve probably heard all about Costco opening up in Auckland. Literally every news outlet has reported on it and how customers were camping outside overnight and dropping nearly a grand in the store.
If you’re like me (good for you), you’re asking yourself ‘why are there such committed fans of a store?’. Well, because they sell EVERYTHING in there. You could legitimately live your whole life (and beyond) in a Costco and experience most of what the world has to offer.
I’m being deadly serious.
When you’re a newborn there are diapers, nurseries, baby formula, baby food, baby toys, and blankets.
When you’re a hungry, growing person there’s a food court with fast food, there’s also uncooked chicken, pork, LOBSTER, crab, and more - Costco are literally the largest retailer of prime beef, rotisserie chicken, and organic foods in the world. And hey, once you buy the food, chuck it in an oven they sell with any spice/flavouring you can imagine because Costco will more than likely sell it.
Once you need to get a job you can buy a suit to look good for an interview. A laptop to get those zoom interviews going and a watch to make sure you’re not late.
You may even meet a fellow Costco resident and fall in love with them. Good thing you can buy a diamond ring and all your Costco wedding guests can buy Costco gifts for your Costco wedding.
A Costco honeymoon is on the cards as well, simply hop in one of their golf carts, grab one of their giant wine glasses, roll out the astroturf, and set up one of the pools before travelling the almost 15,000 sqm with your one and only.
Then get domesticated with more than enough power tools and plenty of lego for your new Costco little ones to play with. Grab a Christmas tree for your Costco Christmas and a Santa suit well you’re at it. Then watch a movie on one of the bazillion TVs they sell.
Eventually, though, a tragedy will hit your Costco family. A Costco Death.
Not to worry though, you can custom order your own Costco coffin and head to the big retail warehouse in the sky, having lived a fulfilled, exciting, experience-filled life, all without leaving the doors of Costco.
Someone please steal this article and use it to make a horribly unethical reality TV show where someone actually lives their whole life in a Costco - Truman show-esque.
