Welcome to our first-ever edition of horror-scopes, written by a professional (we're not sure in what), but we won't take any responsibility if our advice turns your life into any more of a shit show than it currently is rn - Leo's we're looking at you!
Read on for the most seriously non-serious look at your week ahead.
ARIES
You won't discover inner peace this week, but you will discover a stack of dishes piling up in a certain flatmate's room. Spoiler alert: it's the same flatmate who keeps buying Uber Eats when they already have Hello Fresh deliveries.
Your spirit animal this week: pink scrub daddy
TAURUS
Whether your moon is in Jupiter or Mars, no one is in the mood to respond to your pass-agg notes or emails. Just book a ticket to Queenstown and take the week off. Your friends, flatmates and coworkers will thank you for it. Just don't take any Geminis with you.
Your spirit animal this week: a vape pen with no juice
GEMINI
Looking at the tea leaves, they are telling our local Geminis to avoid catching an Uber this week. Something about your vibe, or perhaps general stench is making people grab their masks and put them back on, running in the other direction. Avoid confined spaces like elevators, changing rooms, the Air New Zealand bathrooms, and your local sushi shop. Have you heard of Lush?
Your spirit animal this week: a can of Lynx Africa
CANCER
You know that person in your life that gives you the ick, but no one else gets the same read on them? They called you crazy at first, but those doubters will FINALLY understand why. And you'll be right there, ready and waiting, with the sassiest 'I told you so' for the ages.
Your spirit animal this week: Ru Paul saying 'Sashay Away'
LEO
Babes, you and I know it's been a rough time for you lately. You've been run off your feet, doing everyone's work and carrying the team... No one appreciates you. You and your brilliance have been taken for granted for far too long! But sorry to tell you - that's called adulthood and you'll feel like that for the rest of your life. Rough.
Your spirit animal this week: A box of cask wine - good luck!
VIRGO
It's supposed to be your season but everyone's forgotten it's your birthday. Remind them by sending flowers to yourself and posting them on your Insta and TikTok, with those cryptic captions like "feeling loved on birthday month" and "the perfect surprise from one of the best." Because if you don't love yourself, who else will?
Your spirit animal this week: The McDonald's Monopoly Man
LIBRA
You know the Pixar movie 'Cars'? Why are there no humans in the 'Cars' universe? And why are there no babies in Cars? We know that there are cars that are older and younger than each other, but where do these cars come from? How do they reproduce? And what happens when cars die - do they go to the scrapyard?
Just spend your week sitting on that shower thought...
Your spirit animal this week: The lamp that jumps on the I in every Pixar intro.
SCORPIO
Scorpio? More like Scorpi-no, am I right? You've been saying "yes" way too often. Stop doing that. Don't go to that party. Don't buy the groceries. Don't make the flat's Thursday dinner. Don't shower. Hang with the Geminis and just don't do anything.
Your spirit animal this week: the Netflix 'da-dum' sound.
SAGITTARIUS
Did you know it's almost 100 days until Christmas? You did, and you're telling EVERYONE you know. Yup, you're that punisher of society. You're welcome, world.
Your spirit animal this week: the Christmas decorations at Kmart
CAPRICORN
You're not getting your 5+ a day and we have our good friend Inflation to thank. So get resourceful by dressing up as a giant animal (perhaps the possum, or a fat pigeon) and raid your neighbour's vegetable garden at night.
Your spirit animal this week: the pigeon, aka the flying rats of the sky
AQUARIUS
You may experience an identity crisis this week. You'll spend the next 7 days wanting to re-invent yourself but please, for the love of god, do NOT think about changing your name to fit a TikTok sound. It's not that deep babes.
Your spirit animal this week: you are Trisha Paytas' daughter Malibu Barbie
PISCES
You've been waiting for a sign from the universe that you should buy those plane tickets and head off overseas... This is not that sign. Stop procrastinating and get back to work.
Your spirit animal this week: a sad desk chair
