Warning: This article contains spoilers for episode three of 'Heartbreak Island'.
We're into the second week of 'Heartbreak Island', the latest dating reality TV show set in a place so hot everyone always wears togs. The format works, alright?
So far, not very many of the couples have been struck by cupid's arrow…like, they mostly kind of hate each other.
There is at least one genuine connection being formed though, it's just more bromance than romance. Max and Jake are thick as thieves, which is just as well, really, because Max is in the running to scoop the Island's biggest douchelord award any second now.
Having made his first match Alexandra leave the competition in tears, Max then pied off his next match within moments of setting eyes on her IRL, settling on Holly for his next partner.
Things were looking promising until Max and Holly took on their first challenge together, which involved taking turns splashing about in two paddling pools to find some hearts. It does not go well.
Honestly, the challenges are always boring AF, but they do provide something for the contestants to bitch about later.
"It's been a shit day," Max tells his main man Jake. "I don't want to put all the blame on Holly because it was a joint effort, but I smashed it," says, without a hint of irony.
"I did my bit. She was swimming around the pool like Stevie Wonder, mate. I'm going home because of her.
Yeah, great stuff Max. Definitely didn't put all the blame on Holly.
Honestly, the logistics of how the challenge results relate to who gets sent home escape me, but Max and Holly ended up on the chopping block.
Some complicated turn of events means Amber ends up sacrificing Jake to recouple with Max, which must mean she reeeeaally didn't enjoy being partnered with Jake.
Max, about to lose his only (platonic) love interest on the island, has an absolute meltdown.
"Nah, nah, f*ck that. I'm not letting my boy go home, so let me go," he erupts.
'Heartbreak Island' host Clint explains that the rules of the game are clear (they aren't) and that Jake must go and Max must stay.
"I don't want to be without you," Max wails tearfully at Jake, who can't hide his laughter at this emotional outburst.
"I know that, but this is the way it works, now off you go," he tells Max in the style of a mum dropping her toddler off at daycare.
Clint tries to put a positive spin on proceedings by telling Max he will live to see another day on the island.
"I couldn't care less!" Max trembles.
Fellow contestant Keiran tries to give him a comforting pat on the arm, only for Max to spit: "Don't touch me!"
Somebody get this sad boi a sugary cuppa tea and a blankie.
"I'm not an outwardly emotional person," Max lies later, "but I just couldn't cope."
Bet Amber is absolutely fizzed about heading back to her shared Fijian bure with hot mess Max. Can't wait to see how this love match pans out!
In all seriousness, I'm all for seeing more men express their true emotions on television. Boys cry too! It's just a little bit funny to see Max treat all the gals so terribly only to have a full breakdown when his bro goes home.
Heartbreak Island episodes drop every Thursday on ThreeNow.
