'Thought my world was over': Selena Gomez talks psychosis and hearing voices in 'My Mind & Me'

'Thought my world was over': Selena Gomez talks psychosis and hearing voices in 'My Mind & Me'

"A few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure I could do it."

Trigger Warning: Mentions of suicidal thoughts and depression are included in this article.

Selena Gomez has been extremely raw and honest about her battles with mental illness and feelings of hopelessness while growing up in the spotlight. Now, during the release of her new documentary series ‘Selena Gomez: My Mind & Me’, she discussed the depths of her struggle with depression and being diagnosed with bipolar disorder in a cover story with Rolling Stone.

Gomez claimed that until a few weeks ago, she thought about cancelling the documentary as a whole since it was so authentic.

“I don’t want that to sound dramatic, but I almost wasn’t going to put this out. God’s honest truth, a few weeks ago, I wasn’t sure I could do it,” she told the magazine.

“Because I have the platform I have, it’s kind of like I’m sacrificing myself a little bit for a greater purpose.”

However, she told Rolling Stone that telling the tale was crucial, which may be why she also shared some of the most challenging moments she has encountered in her private life.

“I’m going to be very open with everybody about this: I’ve been to four treatment centres,” Gomez said. 

Although Gomez says she never tried to end her life, she did admit that she had thought about it for a long time.

“I thought the world would be better if I wasn’t there,” she honestly revealed. 

With her mental health issues and widely reported lupus diagnosis that required a kidney transplant back in 2017, Gomez said she was concerned that the life she had once imagined was no longer in sight.

“I think when I started hitting my early twenties is when it started to get really dark when I started to feel like I was not in control of what I was feeling, whether that was really great or really bad.”

“It wrecked me that I was nowhere near that — couldn’t be farther from it. It was so stupid, but I really thought my world was over.” 

Gomez revealed the year following her surgery, she started hearing voices, which finally led to a psychotic episode.

Her diagnosis of bipolar disorder helped her make sense of what had just happened, but it also resulted in her being put on a large amount of medication that she started to lose her identity.

"There was nothing left of me to be found." All but two of the medications were reduced by her psychiatrist, and Gomez admitted that she had to put in a lot of effort to both embrace her bipolar disorder and learn how to manage it because it wouldn't go away.

Gomez explained that she was hesitant about putting out her new AppleTV+ documentary because she wasn’t sure she was “the right person” to tackle these topics.

“I know it has a big message, but am I the right person to bring it to light? I don’t know,” she recalled wondering. 

“I wanted someone to say, ‘Selena, this is too intense.’ But everyone was like, ‘I’m really moved, but are you ready to do this? And are you comfortable?’”

She couldn’t bring herself to watch the doc at an Apple+ screening, but she did keep an eye on the audience and immediately sensed the right answer. “I was like, ‘OK’ if I can just do that for one person, imagine what it could do,'” she recalled thinking. “Eventually, I just kind of went for it. I just said, ‘Yes.’”

If you or anyone you know needs help or just wants to talk to someone, check out the links below:

Lifeline – 0800 543 354 (0800 LIFELINE) or free text 4357 (HELP).

Suicide Crisis Helpline – 0508 828 865 (0508 TAUTOKO).

Depression Helpline – 0800 111 757 or free text 4202 (to talk to a trained counsellor about how you are feeling or to ask any questions).

Youthline – 0800 376 633, free text 234 or email talk@youthline.co.nz or online chat.