How To Discuss Sex With Your New Partner (According To Adult Entertainers)

sex 18/10/2021

If you want to have good sex with a new partner, then you really need to talk about sex. But that can be suuuuper awkward. But if you’re mature enough to be having sex, you probably should be up for havin’ a talk about it too. 

Of course, what works for you might not work for everyone - so it’s of paramount importance to be vulnerable and open about what you love, what you don’t like and what you’re willing to try. Recently, VICE UK spoke to adult entertainers to get some insight on how to discuss sex with new partners (whether they’re relationship material, or a cheeky one night stand). Here are our key take-aways and hot tips.

1. Discuss Boundaries

Trans performer Kimber Haven spoke of the importance of engaging in candid sexual conversations with new partners, “discuss boundaries, likes and dislikes, as well as stances on dirty talk and limits and so forth.” Everyone has things that they prefer not to happen, so developing a list of ‘no-nos’ are important so that you can relay any off-limits body parts, actions or words to a new partner before the deed is done.

2. Safety Questions

Dominatrix Goddess Lilith tells VICE that it’s important to ask all of the basic safety questions: “Are there any health issues, physical restrictions or mental health issues to be aware of?” and to also get more in-depth and ask about aspects such as pain tolerance or triggering words and actions. She also stresses the importance of creating a safe word or action that can be used to communicate when someone is uncomfortable or needs to stop during an act.

3. Barriers of vulnerable discussion and how to overcome them

Goddess Lilith names feelings of shyness and embarrassment as the biggest barriers most people face when trying to discuss sex with a new partner, and she’s totally right – for so many people, sex comes with an aura of shame around it.

Kimber Haven blames this on society’s programming that makes people believe that sex is “something to be ashamed about.” She also adds that if talking about sex is tough for you, try speaking openly through text or on the phone as this is often easier than in-person discussion.

According to the experienced adult performers, the only way to overcome these barriers is to bite the bullet and work to change the preconceived notion that sex is dirty. “Life is too short to not get what you really want, in bed or otherwise!”

When it comes to discussions about sex, honesty is key!

4. You can discuss sex as early as the first date

“Hell, I make it a discussion on the first date.” Kimber Haven shared, “Why bother talking over dinner and seeing if you have chemistry if you’re not sexually compatible?” She questions.

It’s common knowledge that we are living in an era of radical acceptance, and sexual preference isn’t exempt from this – so basically, if there was ever a time to be open about it it’s here and now. Be honest, be upfront and be clear about what you want – it’s the only way to start having more fun and maximise your experiences with new people.

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