Guy discovers that not everyone has a "poo knife" & the internet loses it

trending 17/01/2018

You know when there's things you do in your family and one day - usually when you're a bit older and probably around a bunch of mates - you find out that no one else does this? This happened to one guy and he's shared his amazing story on Reddit. 

According to Reddit user LearnedButt, he and everyone in his family 'poops big' and hence they need something called a poop knife. Yeah. We'll leave it to him to explain his hilarious story that had us all going "WTF"!?

He said in a hilarious post:

"My family poops big. Maybe it's genetic, maybe it's our diet, but everyone births giant logs of crap. If anyone has laid a mega-poop, you know that sometimes it won't flush. It lays across the hole in the bottom of the bowl and the vortex of draining water merely gives it a spin as it mocks you.

Growing up, this was a common enough occurrence that our family had a poop knife. It was an old rusty kitchen knife that hung on a nail in the laundry room, only to be used for that purpose. It was normal to walk through the hallway and have someone call out "hey, can you get me the poop knife"?

I thought it was standard kit. You have your plunger, your toilet brush, and your poop knife.

Fast forward to 22. It's been a day or two between poops and I'm over at my friend's house. My friend was the local dealer and always had 'guests' over, because you can't buy weed without sitting on your ass and sampling it for an hour. I excuse myself and lay a gigantic turd. I look down and see that it's a sideways one, so I crack the door and call out for my friend. He arrives and I ask him for his poop knife.

"My what?"

Your poop knife, I say. I need to use it. Please.

"Wtf is a poop knife?"

Obviously he has one, but maybe he calls it by a more delicate name. A fecal cleaver? A Dung divider? A guano glaive? I explain what it is I want and why I want it.

He starts giggling. Then laughing. Then lots of people start laughing. It turns out, the music stopped and everyone heard my pleas through the door. It also turns out that none of them had poop knives, it was just my fucked up family with their fucked up bowels. FML.

I told this to my wife last night, who was amused and horrified at the same time. It turns out that she did not know what a poop knife was and had been using the old rusty knife hanging in the utility closet as a basic utility knife. Thankfully she didn't cook with it, but used it to open Amazon boxes.

She will be getting her own utility knife now."

When questioned on why the knife wasn't in the bathroom, he said: "We only had one poop knife, and the laundry room was central to all three bathrooms."

ALSO suprisingly, this guy wasn't alone with his confession. Some people in the comments not only were familiar with the concept of a poop knife, but they had their own bowel movement chopping methods!

Omg, guys. Just, omg.